Episode 04: Stranger Danger

Stranger Danger is the fourth episode of first season of the abridged series A Slap On Titan. It adapts the fourth episode of the Attack on Titan anime series' first season, "The Night of the Closing Ceremony: Humanity's Comeback, Part 2".

The episode was released on Tom Andre's YouTube channel, Tomandre, on March 30, 2014.

Synopsis
Sarge evaluates the screwups of the 104th, Eren learns a valuable lesson, Hannes drunkenly stumbles back into town, and the cadets graduate just in time for everything to go straight to hell.

Characters & Voice actors
Eren Yeager, Sarge, Reiner - Casey May

Mikasa Ackerman, Petra, Ymir, Rico - Memos

Armin, Suit vest, Levi - Tom Andre

Jean, Hannes - Jason Johns

Marco, Colossal Titan - KJ @ Playlegit

Connie - Hector Gutierrez

Sasha - Holodeck

Franz - Matt G

Annie, Krista, Hannah - Jane W.

Civilians, Guards, Titans - Hector Gutierrez, Matt G, Tim S, Derrick White, KJ, The Canadian

Crew
Audio Engineering and Tech - The Canadian, Katie

Video Engineering - Jason Johns

English captions - CurlyShirt

Director - Tom Andre

Editors - Tom Andre & Jason Johns

Transcript
Sarge: Jean! Is a smarmy douchebag whose very voice exudes a cock-teasery of the highest offence. Has an obsession with lubricating his gear. Probably born out of some situation involving sexual impotence in a nursing home. He also has delusions of running the the government, but couldn't run a sweatshop if he had thirty Filipinos and a metric fuckton of Adderall.

[change character focus]

Sarge: Marco. If Jean was bad, well then here's Marco. The two go hand in hand like sobbing kids and alcohol abuse, this particular assclown has delusions of being God himself. Fancies himself a leader and resolves conflict with cornbread, pattycake bullshit, that makes me pop a rage boner simply out of spite. Sometimes I beat him just to listen to him cry. Where's your god now you freckled fuck? Where's your god now?!

[change character focus to Annie]

Sarge: Annie. A quiet, stupid bitch.

[Change to sasha]

Sarge: Sasha. A bumble-fucking, potato-loving, feral dipshit that can't follow a single order. Talks to trees. Have tried multiple times to kill here by leaving her miles away in the woods. The wolves keep dragging her broken and scared body back to camp, almost as if they don't want her.

[Changes to Connie ]

Sarge: Connie. An angry, mean, pissed off little chihuahua. Watching him manouver is like watching a foul, determined little rat running through a maze. Seriously. Just look at him. The mere sight of him is enough to piss me off.

[once again changes focus to Eren

Sarge: Eren! A Complete and total fuck-up but unique in his own personal brand of failure. If his sister wasn't around to egg him on he'd be useless. As it stands he's a hair above useless.

[changes focus again to Mikasa]

Sarge: Mikasa. A tactical genius unlike any other our empire has ever seen. In all my years I have dreamt of having a star pupil like her. Someone who can lead, obey and destroy with unparalleled superiority. She is truly mankind's hero, a saviour even. But she's a woman. Bad form.

[Change focus to Reiner]

Sarge: Reiner. A retarded mongoloid fuck-up of epic proportions. I'm 95% sure he is actually a cross between a gorilla and pure, concentrated ignorance!

[Switch focus to Armin]

Sarge: And last but not least. Armin. This child is the ultimate culmination of human sin. He is the most terrifying creature I have ever met, seriously this kid is fucked. Something is horribly, horribly wrong with him. How someone could have loved something so twisted, so foul, so utterly fucked up beyond repair is beyond me. On the plus side he is intelligent. But seriously, fuck that kid.

[Running military songs]

Reiner: That was totally alpha.

Eren: I don't get why we have to practice these anti-shank techniques. I mean, I get that one day we might be in prison and taking a shower and suddenly need these skills, but how will this help us kill titans?

Reiner: Bro. Cause like, uh... what if you're in prison and uh... Titans. Whoa.

Eren: Reiner, you really need to slow ,down on the drugs man.

Reiner: It's like weed or life, Eren.

Eren: I'm seriously worried about you. Your heart stopped yesterday and you were just reciting the alphabet.

Reiner: Fucking roids man. No pain, no gain. Hey Eren, look. Let's tag that.

[scene change]

Reiner: Hey slut! I hope you've got a valid locomotive operators licence. Cause you're about to get a train run on you.

[Disgusted/Angry look on Annie's face]

Reiner: Come on, Eren! Bang this chick. Poundtown.

Eren: I'm still not clear on the concept of poundtown.

Reiner: You got this bro.

[gong chime]

Eren: Alright, Annie. Here I come!

[kicked in the dick]

Eren: HOLY FUCK! Oh my god, what the fuck, Annie?! You kicked me in--- Agghh, ow, what the fuck, Annie?! Aah, you literally shattered my pelvis.

Reiner: What the hell, bitch? You sterilized the Jeagermeister! You didn't even finish the job.

Eren: No, Reiner, don't tell her!

[flip eren upside down]

Eren: My testicles feel like they've been pasteurized. How could a loving god allow such cruelty? I feel like i've just endured the Holocaust. Call Kofi Annan cause you've just committed a war crime against my manhood.

Annie: Your turn you roid chomping orangutan!

Reiner: Eh, nah I'm good.

Eren: Come on, Reiner. Poundtown!

Reiner: Fucking Yeager. Oh he's so righteous. Alright! Bros over Hoes!

[1 second later]

Reiner: Dammit Yeager.

Eren: That was amazing. You just viciously crippled two people and you still look bored. How do you do it?

[Heartbreaking backstory music]

Annie: As a baby I was abandoned in the forest and left to die. I was raised by woodland creatures until the age of six. When a drunken master found me and raised me as his daughter. He taught me how to fight and kill until one night...

Annie's master: And now comes the last part of your training. In which I abandon you so you can become a bitter hateful woman. Just like my master did to me.

Young Annie: But Sensei, you promised never to leave me!

Annie's master: Yes! So you can become more hateful than I ever was!

Young Annie: No! Noooo!

Annie's master: GO-GO-GADGET DADDY ISSUES!

[music stops]

Annie: And then he left. And now I kick men in the balls.

Eren: Wow. That's really fucked up, but what I meant to ask was, how do you do all that and still look bored?

Annie: Looking apathetic makes me sexy. Pop-culture says so.

Eren: Pop culture is retarded. And you should know, apathy is not sexy, it's passion and confidence that make you stand out.

Annie: I'm passionately, confidently apathetic.

Eren: There's no such thing!#

Annie: I AM SEXY!

Eren: Yeah, probably. If you wiped the look of fake shit-smell of your face.

Annie: You chauvinistic pig!

Eren: No, that's Reiner.

Reiner: Slut.