Episode 01: Big Trouble in Little Shiganshina

Episode 01: Big Trouble in Little Shiganshina is the first episode of the first season of A Slap on Titan. It adapts and abridges the first episode of the Attack on Titan anime series' first season, "To You, in 2000 Years: The Fall of Shiganshina, Part 1".

The episode was released on Tom Andre's YouTube channel, Tomandre, on March 7, 2014.

Synopsis
Eren Jaeger learns several dark family secrets, fights with the Garrison's worst drunkards, comforts his creepy best friend, and has a very, VERY bad day.

Plot
The story begins with Mikasa waking up her adopted brother, Eren after he once again neglected his responsibilities of collecting wood. Eren claims he was suffering from insulin shock, but Mikasa knows that Eren isn't a diabetic. In the town of Shiganshina, a local priest speaks of how the walls are the answer to their prayers and all one must do is smack their head against the walls to receive a prophetic vision, shouting out "Praise the Walls". As Eren and Mikasa are walking back home, Eren asks Mikasa not to tell their mother, not wanting to get his ears pinched again and are greeted by Garrison soldier, Hannes, the alcoholic half ginger. When Eren begins making fun of Hannes, Hannes reveals to Eren that Eren's mom, Carla used to be a massive whore and not even the worst of Titans could match Carla Jaeger to the sheer amount of human meat that's been in her mouth, with many of the other Garrisons making jokes about it in the background. Hannes reveals that in the past, Carla was actually the source of the mysterious plague that spread through the town and married Eren's father, Grisha when he cured the plague, giving Carla free healthcare and Grisha free epidemiology lessons. Eren refuses to believe what they're saying and continues to go back home calling the Garrison members a bunch of drunk idiots. Mikasa claims that Eren is the true idiot for wanting to join the Recon Corps since they're the most likely of all soldiers to die, but Eren contradicts that he is at least not a drunk like the Garrison. Eren goes into the crowd to cheer on the Recon corps, calling them the real heroes of humanity, but members of the Recon Corps return with many injured soldiers behind them. When Eren hears of the citizens call the Recon corps cowards, Eren hits him over the head with a stick, but is pulled away by Mikasa to avoid conflict. Mikasa throws Eren to a brick wall, causing Eren to whine and exaggerate about how much pain he's in.

Eren and Mikasa have now made it back home, with Carla saying how sticks were her favorite. Carla pinches Eren's ear for being a lazy little shit, telling Eren that "those who don't get wood are no good". During dinner, Mikasa reveals to Grisha and Carla Eren's desire to become part of the Recon corp. Carla scolds Eren for keeping this secret side of Eren for years (even though she has been doing the same thing). Grisha is not at all mad about Eren's desire to join the Recon Corps and before he heads off, promises to explain any hidden secrets about their family when they go to the forbidden basement. Despite Grisha approving of Eren's choice, Carla is still not okay with him wanted to join the Recon Corps, but Eren runs off saying that he was tired of his Mother's past. Meanwhile Armin Artlert is getting bullied once again for his books, however this time he stands up for himself and threatens them with drugging the boys and imprison them in a god complex related bondage. Armin gets beaten up anyway and has his book stolen. Armin tells Eren what happened. When Eren asks how Armin copes, Armin admits that he originally wrote dark poetry, but progressed to making voo-dolls of his tormenters and enact a satanic ritual, before Armin could tell Eren more, Titans begin breaching Wall Maria, with the Colossal Titan making a hole in the wall so the other Titans could enter.

As Titans begin to enter Shiganshina, Eren realizes that the rocks fell near their house where Carla is and storms off to save her with Mikasa following him. Eren and Mikasa find Carla under their collapsed house. As Eren and Mikasa struggle to help get Carla free, Carla points out that Mikasa is doing all the heavy lifting, comparing their attempts to lift the roof to a death-match against Iron Man (Mikasa) and Jiminy Cricket (Eren). As a Titan approaches, Hannes comes to the rescue. At first, Hannes charges at the Titan in hopes that he would be richly rewarded in bed with Carla once again, but pauses at the sight of the Smiling Titan looking down upon him and decides to take Mikasa and Eren so they wouldn't be killed. As Hannes carries the two on his shoulders, Eren is left to watch as a Titan picks up his mom and devour her.

Voice Actors
Eren Yeager  - Casey May

Mikasa- Memos

Armin - Tom Andre

Mother - Jane W.

Narrator - Holodeck

Civilians, Guards - Hector Gutierrez, Matt G, Tim S, The Canadian

Crew
Audio Engineering & Tech - The Canadian & Kate

Video Engineering - Jason Johns

English Transcript
(created by Maria Samigulina, Twitter - @samigumar )

Colossal Titan: What's good n*ggas. This looks like a sandbox

Mikasa: Hey failure

EVIL CROWS!!!

Mikasa: Guess who collected all the wood while you were sleeping?

Eren: I wasn't sleeping. It- It was insulin shock.

Mikasa: You're NOT a diabetic.

Eren: And... You're not a psychic!

Mikasa; You're NOT a diabetic!

Eren: Give... Give me a cookie

Mikasa: No, I don't have anything

Eren: I could be lying here, DYING, all because of low blood sugar and your lack of snacks... and you call ME the failure?! Gosh! Worthless

Mikasa: You know, you were sucking your thumb in your sleep.

Eren: Damn it, it's not my fault Mikasa! You know I have an oral fixation!

Wall preacher: All tha prohpets were wrong! Do you know who was right?! DEEZ FUCKIN' WALLS! Yes, the sacred walls that protect us from tha demons-AH! They are for visions of the fuch-ah! All one must do is smash their head against the wall to recieve a prophetic vision-AH! Why, I smashed my head so many times, I now exist in a state of perpetual hallucination! Puh-RAISE the walls!

Eren: Better not tell Mom when we get back... My ears are still scarred from the last round of pinching!

Hannes: Uuh! Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, Eren!

Eren: Oh, look! An alchoholic ginger! What a surprise.

Hannes: Tha's not tru--Hehaaaa I'm only half ginger.

Eren: Even a drop is too much [spitting noise]

Hannes: Well excuuuse me, at least my mother's history isn't a family secret

Eren: What?

Hannes: Your mom's past! Ha, cause -- wait... you don't know?

Guard 1: He doesn't know! Oh snaps! Knowledge is about to get dropped!

Eren: Hannes, what the hell are you talking about?

Hannes: Eren, your mother was a MASSIVE whore back in the day.

Eren: No she wasn't!

Hannes: Look Eren, I've seen Titans, and they're scary as shit, but trust me when I tell you that even the worst of them couldn't match your mom when it comes to the sheer amount of human meat that's been in her mouth.

Guard 1: Dude, can you imagine the biomass that's been under those sheets. I'm no expert but it'd probably be enough to kickstart an agrarian society.

Hannes: Your mom, back in the day... It wasn't that she was great at sucking dick, it was more like she had it down to an industrialized process.

Guard 1: Your mothers such a whore, every night she goes to sleep under the AIDS memorial blanket

Guards 2, 3 and 4: TROLL-LOLOLOLOL!

RANDOM FISH DEATH!

Hannes: You know how your mom and dad first met? Well, he's a doctor and you know he saved the town from a plague. What you probably don't know is that your mom was the cause of the plague. He found her and saved her from every STD known to mankind. She got free healthcare, and he got free epidemiology lessons. It was a match made in heaven.

Eren: That's bullshit!

Hannes: Eren, your parent's marriage was built on the foundation of venereal diseases. Deal with it.

Guard 1: Dude Hannes, can you imagine what's flowing through Eren's bloodstream? I bet the kid is literally riddled with syphilis. Syphilis riddled. Ryphilis.

Eren: I am not syphilis riddled, I am perfectly fucking healthy!

Hannes: Says the child of a doctor. You know you only need a tetanus shot once every few years, right? Those weekly injections your dad gives you aren't for stepping on rusty nails, if you know what I'm saying.

Guards: TROLL-LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Eren: I can't believe those guards. I know they were lying. Bunch of lazy drunk idiots.

Mikasa: I still think you're an idiot for wanting to join the Recon corps.

Eren: At least I'm not a lazy drunk! Well. Okay, at least I'm not a drunk.

[Bells Ring]

Eren: Hey look! The Recon corps is back! Come on Mikasa, let's cheer on the real heroes of humanity!

[hooves clop]

Angry Civilians: "Oh look who it is. Bitch patrol." "By the walls you people look messed up!" "Look at these pussies!" "They look like gay Robin Hood"

Eren: Hey, there he is, Erwin! My friggin hero!

Erwin: Ugh, Children!

Way to get fucking dismember asshole!

We're alien civilians and therefore totally unsympathetic to your suffering!

Hey look it's the Ren and Stumpy show!

Byeee pussieees!

Arrogant Civilian: Man, those rangers are cowards

Eren: No they're not! They're heroes! Take that!

[Eren grunting]

Eren: Mikasa, let me go! Let me go--aagh!

[Eren crashes against the wall]

Eren: Jesus Christ Mikasa, you really need to lay off the bull shark testosterone and bi-weekly steroid implants. You're like, way too strong for a girl.

Mikasa: What's wrong with taking testosterone?

Eren: You're, like, fucking 12, that's what's wrong. Girls your age should be menstruating or lactating or doing whatever disgusting shit it is girls do... vagin' out?

[Mikasa throws eren's dumb ass again against the wall]

Eren: Jeez, holy fuck Mikasa, I think you just permanently altered my spine. You should become, like, a chiropractor for hunchbacks. You could probably reset a Titan's vertebrae alone. You could probably commit seppuku with an acupuncture needle. I really don't know how to handle this. I've been crippled by your mutant strength and my personal issues with having a fake sister adding me to the disability register.

Mikasa: And I'm crippled by the fact you still won't accept me as your sister (whisper) and lover.

Eren: What'd you say?

Mikasa: Nothing. I am the night!

Eren: Oh god don't start that shit again. You're enough of a hipster without the scarf.

Mikasa: It warms the darkness that is my soul.

[intermediary card that says "The walls that protect humanity are symbolized by three beautiful goddesses - Sina, Rose, and the one nobody likes, Maria. Seriously. She's a bitch"]

[Another intermediary card which says "x marks the spot where you die", "Death", "More death" and "No treasure here. Just Titans"]

Eren: Hey we're back!

Carla: Welcome home! Oh sticks! My favorite!

Eren: Ow Mom not again! What's that for?

Carla: It's because you're a lazy little shit! Those who don't get wood, are no good!

[birds tweet]

Eren: So, I heard some interesting things at the guardhouse today.

Grisha: And what was that?

Mikasa: Eren wants to join the Recon Corps

[awkward silence]

Eren: What the fuck Mikasa?!

Carla: Eren is this true?!

Eren: Wha- Yes

Carla: You told me those days were over! That's it, Eren! Bedtime forever!

Eren: Dammit Mom it's what I want to do!

Carla: How could you? How could you keep this secret side of your life hidden away from me for years?

Eren: ...you sure you haven't done the same yourself?

[awkward silence]

Grisha: WELL EREN, HOW ABOUT US BOYS TALK THIS OUT.

Eren: Oh, hi there Dad, you were so quiet I didn't notice you.

Grisha: That's because I'm a genie!

[wait what]

Grisha: Um. Look, Eren. I am not mad at you for wanting to join the Recons Corps. Trust me. I do understand. And if you ever have any questions about any secrets you feel we may have kept from you... here's the key to the basement

Eren: The forbidden dungeon?!

Grisha: Yes... that. When I get back we'll go down there together and I'll explain... everything... that you happen to see. But not until then. Promise

Eren: Dad, this is the most you've said to me... ever.

Grisha: I must be off! I have some vague business inside the empire.

Carla: Goodbye dear!

Grisha: Take care!

Carla: Just because your father is alright with you joining the Recon Corps doesn't mean I am.

Eren: Oh yeah?! Well maybe I'm not alright with you lying to me about your filthy, sordid past!

Carla: Eren!

[Eren runs off]

Carla: Mikasa, he must never know the truth. Protect him from it at all costs!

[Mikasa nods]

Bully 1: Ha! Stupid nerd! Reading books and shit!

Armin: I hope you enjoy this. You're the stronger one now. But one day, I'm gonna grow up, and I'm gonna teach myself how to make chloroform and knock you all out. Then, I'll drag you down into my basement and chain you to the foundations. The first thing you'll see upon waking up is me standing before you as your new God and then I'll make you worship me in ways no one has before.

Eren: And what did they do after that?

Armin: They beat me up and took my book

Eren: Again?

Armin: Yeah and it was a good one.

Eren: How do you cope?

Armin: Well, I started off by writing dark poetry, and then worked my way up to hand-sewing perfect doll replicas of my tormentors, then placing each doll in a pentagramic circle and stabbing out their eyes before extinguishing their souls in a ritualized fire ceremony.

Eren: Wow Armin. That's kinda fucked up.

Armin: It gets worse

[the crack of lightning, people screaming]

Civilian 1: What was that?

Civilian 2: Where'd it come from?

Civilian 3: Over there!

Eren: Armin! What the hell man!?