Episode 03: Full Metal Racket

Episode 03: Full Metal Jacket is the third episode of the first season of A Slap on Titan. It adapts and abridges the third episode of the Attack on Titan anime series' first season, "A Dim Light Amid Despair: Humanity's Comeback, Part 1", and its characters' training to become soldiers through the Slap On Titan eyeglass. It begins straight after where the last episode left off with Sarge's Rant and opens up with him intimidating cadets including Armin, Connie and Sasha and the entire episode revolves around their time in the 104th Trainee Corps.

The episode was released on Tom Andre's YouTube channel, Tomandre, on March 21, 2014 and as of 17 November 2016, the video has 504,000 views and is the second most viewed video on the channel besides episode 1 of the same series.

Synopsis
Sarge continues his unstoppable onslaught of verbal destruction, Eren discovers just how much of a failure he is, and the cadets of the 104th are introduced in all of their dysfunctional glory.

Character and Voice Actors
Casey May - Eren, Sarge, Reiner

Memos - Mikasa, Ymir

Tom Andre - Armin, Suit Vest

KJ @ Playlegit - Marco

Jason Johns - Jean

Hector Gutierrez - Connie

Holodeck - Sasha

Jane W. - Krista

Hector Gutierrez, Matt G, Tim S, Tim S, Derrick White, KJ, The Canadian - Civilians, Guards and Titans

Crew
The Canadian, Katie - Audio Engineering & Tech

Jason Johns - Video Engineering

Tom Andre and Jason Johns - Editing and Special Effects

Closed Captions (English) - TheValterGirl & CurlyShirt

Transcript
Sarge: You there, who the fuck are you?

Armin: Armin Artlert, Sir!

Sarge: Why the fuck are you here cadet?

Armin: To contribute to mankind's victory Sir!

Sarge: That's Bullshit! Look at you, I know you play with dolls!

Armin: Well, yes but only for roleplaying revenge fantasies

Sarge: Shut up fuck-nugget! Ten-Hut!

[neck snapping sound

Soldier 1: What's the point of intimidating them like that?

Soldier 2: It used to be a rite of passage. You know, break them down, build them back up. nowadays though I think its grown into full-blown syphilitic insanity.

Sarge: Why the fuck are you so happy twinkle toes?

Marco: I can't wait to become a soldier and serve the king!

Sarge: Cadet, do you know why my eyes are so suckin' in?

Marco: No?

Sarge: It's because I once ejaculated in a man's ass so hard that my internal body pressure actually caved, sucking my eyeballs way into the back of my head. Knowing this, do you have a problem with homosexuals

Marco: What?

Sarge: I said, do you have a problem with Homosexuals?!

Marco: No! No Sir!

Sarge: Well I do! drop and give me fifty! Faggot. How about you horse-face!

Jean: I want to live comfortably in the capitol and serve the military police.

Sarge: HEADBUTT!

[Jean hits the ground in pain]

Jean: Wha- What the fuck?

Sarge: Let me tell you cadet, you might not know but the capitol is home to a bunch of freaks! And when its 3AM inside the inner city and you are drunk and being aggressively solicited by a gaggle of Latvian transsexuals hopped up on barbituates and fuck- thunder, YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO THINK! So next time I yell headbutt you haul ass!

Soldier 2: You know he once commanded the Survey Corps, right?

Soldier 1: No I-I had no idea.

Soldier 2: It's too bad. He used to be a rising star until his famous scandal.

Soldier 1: Wha- What happened?

Soldier 2: Well nobody's clear on the specifics, but the official record states that he engaged in an act so horrifyingly unique, each witness could only describe it using the same two words.

Soldier 1: What- What where they?

Soldier 2: Munchkin Sodomy.

Sarge: How the fuck are you gonna beat a titan when even I can lift your scrawny ass? You think they won't eat you because you're a midget? HA! Look at you. You're like the Napoleon of cockshame. We don't even issue uniforms in Hobbit size. Go back to the shire and play ass frolic with wizards, Bilbo Dickbreath.

[Potato eating sounds]

Sarge: Holy sweet mother of god! Cadet! what is your major malfunction?!

Sasha: I-I was hungry.

Sarge: Dear god I sincerely hope you never have sex. The thought of you having kids makes me sick!

Sasha:  He, don't be silly, everyone knows you can't control babies. The magical storks decide whether you get one or not.

Sarge: Sweet mother of god, you dumb bitch. I do believe you are the stupidest sack of shit I've ever seen in my life and I have lived goddamit! Cadet, what is your name?

Sasha: Sasha, Sir.

Sarge: Sasha? That sounds like a whore's name. Are you a whore Sasha?

[blank stare]

Sarge: DO YOU SUCK DICKS FOR MONEY?!

Sasha: No, Sir!

Sarge: Good. Now I hate--

[Sasha eats potato again]

Sarge: Stop eating the potato goddamit! Now I hate your fucking name, Sasha, almost as much as I hate you From now on your name is Pile. Am I understood Private Pile?

Sasha: Sir, yes, Sir!

[blank stare from sarge]

Sasha: One question Sir. If I share this with you, will you tell me where babies come from?

[Utter look of disbelief from Sarge at how stupid that request was]

[Crying]

Eren: Wow, forced to run for 6 hours straight and she STILL won't know where babies come from.

Connie:  Maybe I can teach her. Yeah, I'll give her a full body practical.

Eren: Connie, everybody knows she'd just laugh at your tiny balls.

Connie: Hey! Small potatoes make the meat look bigger.

Eren: Hey look, the failure wagon is leaving.

All: Bye rejects.

Reject: I'm gonna die of Dysentery

Eren: Ha! If they couldn't handle one day how are they gonna handle Titans? Hell, me and Armin have already done that.

Connie: Eren, you've seen Titans?

Eren: Well yeah, it's not really something I like talking--

Mina: Eren, you've seen titans? That's SO hot.

Eren: Actually yeah, I totally saw a ton of them. And I almost killed one too.

[Chatter]

Eren: And that's how I murder twenty titans with nothing but my wits, a paperclip and saran wrap.

Random guy: Huhh?

Crowd: Eren's such a Badass. Were you scared of the colossal titan? Look at the way he slurps his gruel. Please sign my boobs when I reach puberty!

Eren: Yeah, you know I'm kind of a rockstar.

Mina: Was the armoured titan scary?

Eren: No but if you really want to see something harder than steel you can start by taking that top off.

Some dude: What were your mother's final words?

[Flashback time]

Carla: My last oral.

Eren: [Gagging sounds]

Marco: Guys listen, we need to leave him be.

Eren: No. Her last words were "So Proud"

Jean (Professional horse): Tall tales Yeager-boy. So tall it almost dwarfs the titans.

Eren: Oh so you're the fucking comedian?

Jean (Professional horse): You DO know titans only have one weakness mhhmm? Can you tell us where it is.

Eren: Dude seriously, just let me redeem my trauma-points you fucking asshole.

Jean (Professional horse): Ahaa. No worries Yeager-boy, I'm just saying. You should join me if you know whats good for you. Me and my suit vest are destined for great things.

Suit-vest: You're the best Jean! One day you shall rule.

Eren: You're fine in that suit vest, huh?

Suit vest: I love you Jean!

Jean (Professional horse): Yes it was sown by baby seals and soaked in the tears of orphans-- or was it the other way around?

Eren: You look like Aladdin's walk of shame.

Jean (Professional horse): That's no way to talk to rich people.

Eren: Get Tay-Sachs.

Jean (Professional horse): Alright, you Pion.

[Bells Ring]

Jean: I didn't come here to make enemies. Besides, I can't afford to dirty my new cuff links. Name's Jean, it's French for douchebag.

Eren: Eren, nice to meet you, I guess.

[High five]

Jean (Professional horse): That's how the working class shake hands? Less dignified thrust more ghetto blue colour flailing.

Suit vest: You tell it Jean! You're so wise.

Jean: Such pawns. When I rule--

[Careless whisper plays]

Jean: Hello. Ahm. My suit vestg couldn't help but notice your long beautiful hair. And now its telling me to ask you out.

Mikasa: Nope.

Jean: Wait. Dammit suit vest you've messed me up again! Waaait!

Eren: Jeez, look at your ratty hair Mikasa, it's getting into the ugly stage again. Look at this, chop it off. Seriously, it looks like an aviary for dead birds. Know what? Just put a bag over your head. Forever.

[Jean wipes connies back with his hand]

Connie: What the hell muchacho?

Jean: I needed to pet something ugly.

Suit vest: Burn the disobedient, BURN them!

[Sasha out of breath, falls to the ground]

[sniffs. demon eyes]

Sasha: Food?

Krista: Well, there;s that and I also brought you some lovely water.

[angellic sounds]

Sasha: Make love to me.

Krista: It's.. literally just food.

Sasha: Seriously what do you want? I'll fulfill you in ways you didn't think possible.

Krista: Wait, you're bi too?

Sasha: Bi? Hungry?

Krista: Tell you what, I'll supply you with food as long as you wear and do whatever I want at night.

Sasha: Done!

Krista: Yes, my first slave.

Ymir: Did I just hear a hint of lesbian action?

Krista: Oh no, a third wheel.

Ymir: You know, if what I heard is true, I'll tell all the boys at camp.

[gasp]

Ymir: Unless of course you two fulfill my dark desires.

Krista: Well, looks like we can drop the act now.

Ymir: Thank god, I thought those roofies would never kick in.

Krista: But the did and now another joins the coven.

Sarge: Good morning you Muppets. Today we have our first training, TRAPEZE! You cock sprinkles are gonna love this. Finally you get a chance show off how fucking gay you are while hanging gracefully in the air. This had better look like river dance performed by broadway's finest homosexuals. I wanna see you fairies sparkle and shit glitterdust while balancing. If this doesn't look like Peter fucking Pan performed by the cast of the Cirque du Soleil on a homo-erotic ecstasy-fueled cruise ship, so help me GOD, I will personally murder each and every single one of you.

Soldier 2: Yes! Look at her. Look at the way her body hangs there. Limp, bored, uninterested. Everything I like in a woman.

Soldier 1: What about that one?

Eren: [Thoughts] No, no, no.

Sarge: Eren Jeager, you efflusive cock sprout. What are you doing?! Get yourself up right this instant.

Eren, thinking: No. No, no!

[Proficient operators of 3D Maneuver gear learn to piss themselves rather than spend several hours trying to undo all these straps]

[Adderall and other stimulants are great for learning how to operate 3D maneuver gear]

Mikasa: You can do it Eren. Just focus on your center when the ropes start to pull.

Armin: Yeah, it's not too hard if you concentrate.

Eren: Jeez, even you can do this Armin? What's the secret?

Armin: Well uh... I actually have a natural advantage when it comes to this.

Eren: How?

Armin:  I-- uh... I used to really experiment with auto erotic asphyxiation

Eren: Just take me up.

[Gasp. Head butt the floor. Slow mo]

[Connie laughing]

[More people laughing]

Eren: I can't believe it. They're gonna put me on the failure wagon!

Armin: It's ok Eren. typhoid fever isn't that bad

Eren: Oh. this is so humiliating. I don't know how to handle this. This is the worst.

Mikasa: Oh grow a pair. You think you have it bad? Imagine being the only asian here. The girls in the dorm literally asked me if I knew karate the other day.

Armin: Do you?

Mikasa: Shut up Armin. You have it so easy. You wanna know humiliation? If you fail the test tomorrow I'll tell everyone about mom.

Eren: No.

Mikasa: Think of the jeers. Think of the embarassment.

Eren: No you dirty bitch! This is low even--

Mikasa: Then make it work! Feeling motivated? Because I am NOT dealing with these ignorant white bitches without my brother to support me.

Eren: I hope these little girls stick chopsticks in your eyes.

Mikasa: Good. Now get ready for tomorrow.

[Bells ring]

Mikasa: Alright Eren, I was being too mean. I really do care about you, in ways deeper than you kno--

[shocked Sasha]

Mikasa: Bitch if you tell anybody I SWEAR i'll kill you

Sasha: Can I just have your food?

[careless whisper]

Eren: Guys, come on! You gotta help me!

Connie: Hehehe, what's wrong Yeager? Mommy never pushed you on the swing? Too busy gulping down the bottle.

[Jean and Connie laugh]

Eren:  Hey guys, my name is Eren.

Bert: My name is Bert.

Eren: Ha! Haha, like the fucking muppet?

Bert: Uhh...

Reiner: Dude we don't talk to Bert. So you're eren and you're...

[Careless Whisper]

Reiner: Woah, who's this babe you're with Yeager?

Eren: That's Armin and he's not a girl!

Reiner: Hey there Armeen, so what do you like to do?

[Careless whisper stops]

Armin: I like to read!

Reiner: ...Uh, ok. Why?

Armin: Because books teach me useful things.

Reiner: Like what?

Armin: I'm glad you asked, I've got many examples. For instance, did you know that if you electrocute someone while holding them underwater, it will leave no burn marks on the body.

Reiner: No.

Armin: You do now! And that's the power of knowledge.

Reiner: So, like, you wanna take a bath? Together?

[awkward silence]

Armin: Can I bring an industrial strength toaster?

Eren: Guys come on! I still need your help.

Reiner: Oh, right. Well, I don't know if i can really give you any tips, but uh, you wanna do some shrooms?

Armin: FUCK YES!

Bert: Guys we're on a journey. I mean guys, guys! Look at your fingers. How weird is that shit?

[bert continues talking]

Reiner: Dude, like, so Bert decided he wanted to become a soldier because he saw people getting devoured alive.

Eren: Whoa man, that's super real.

Reiner: Yeah, I know right? I was like "Dude chill I just came here for the babes" and let me say-- Whoa holy shit dude, check out this fucking caterpillar.

Eren: He's just sitting on his leaf like "Fuck Yeah, I'm a caterpillar. Gonna turn into a butterfly. Look at me"

Bert: Everyone, look at the trees!

[bert talks in the background]

Armin: We should collect it.

Reiner: Armeen, I still like you, but fuck no we're not collecting that caterpillar.

Bert: -And that's what makes me the tree man!

[Moon comes out]

Eren: Woah, this is beautiful.

Reiner: Yeah bro. Check out the vibes. This is my zone of me.

Eren: I feel attuned with my soul.

Reiner: Eren, I'm telling you, you lift heavy and stay alpha. You're gonna rock the show tomorrow. Poundtown brother.

Eren: What's Poundtown?

Reiner: Poundtown.

[morning test has arrived!]

[Sarge growls]

Sarge: Pull him up.

Eren, thinking: I can do this!

[Gasps from the crowd]

Eren, thinking:  Yes! I'm doing it! It's really happening!

Crowd: Hurray! The legends real. Way to achieve basic competence!

Eren: No, I can do it! Don't send me on the Gorgon trail!

Sarge: Eren. you're belt buckle is unfastened.

Eren; Wait, really?

Sarge: Did you not know you need to fasten the buckle before wearing a belt?

Eren: Uh, no but--

Sarge: Thomas, show Eren Yeager how to buckle his belt

Eren: I can do it now!

Sarge:  Did you honestly not fucking know how to wear a belt before you came in here? Seriously, look at this. LOOK you dumb motherfucker it's the easiest fucking thing to do. How the FUCK did you not know how to buckle a belt?!

Crowd: Eren Jeager's a dumbass! Yeah he is.

Sarge: How could you be so fucking stupid? You're giving Private Pile a run for her money and until today I could have sworn that was a task no man could do. You have truly opened my eyes Eren Yeager. Opened them to how fucking stupid and low-down son of a bitch stupid like you can be. Isn't that right Private Pile?

Sasha: Sir, yes, Sir!

Sarge: Shut the fuck up Private Pile! Eren Yeager you are a failure of colossal magnitude and possibly the DUMBEST son of a bitch I've ever seen next to Pile. Huh, but you pass.

Eren: Yes! Yes! Fuck yes! Look at that Mikasa! Look! Fuck you and your fat stupid face. You bitch! Now nobody will know my mom was a whore!

Crowd: Wait what? What was that? Eren's mama was a whore?

Eren: SHIT!!

[END CREDITS]